Them conspirators

Naseer Ahmed
نصیر احمد

Them conspirators

by, Naseer Ahmed

Our reliance and expertise on international conspiracies damage the facts locally, but to keep people dumb you have to spin these yarns, I guess.

International conspiracies give more power to the ruling elite and their NKVD like agencies in the third world because they could keep telling these long winded tales. Of course, these conspiracy chats make it sure they don’t have to prove anything to their own people.

Oh dear, they are plotting big time against us.

Them lot? Poor us. Last night, I hit my head against a lamp post. Believe me it was not there. Just to hurt me, they put it there. You know the headline.

What headline?

In the paper. A drunkard found faffing last night after he hits a lamp post. Believe, I have never touched those illegal things.

Oh dear, of course, you don’t. A few days ago, I found Lucifer himself in my Kitkat chocolate bar, threatening me with a submarine. When I protested it to their embassy, they talked about mental health issues. Believe me dear, I saw that fiend myself waving those nukes on that submarine. May Lord keep us safe.

A submarine in a chocolate bar?

You know their scientists. Professor E, he has invented a strange device. If you have this device, you just have to a push a button on it and recite’ my bounty is boundless as sea’. Strange things begin to happen. Oh my those strange waves from Mars bars encircle the city and form a thick cloud . The whole edifice of a modern city is nothing in few moments.

Related: Confessions of a tyrant by, Naseer Ahmed

Oh my. It is time for the government to dig some underground shelters.

Oh dear, I know you are in the government, but you know they have solution of everything. They have this Shale Shawshank Shrimps for those underground shelters.

And what is that?

Shahshank is a movie place. At that place, they turn shrimps into dangerous weapons out of shale gas. And these shrimps dig those channels with their fins and flood those shelters with water.

Well dear, it can’t be true. All this is not possible. We have to be a bit reasonable about our fears.

Well, you are one of those traitors who have infiltrated our government. Otherwise, whatever I say is published in a highly acclaimed defence journal.

Oh dear I am sorry then. You know these civilians. They never give us our copies of all these defence journals.

Traitors everywhere. They are making special sorts of traitors with those kind of funny toys we are not supposed to talk about. They are planning to confuse our brains with Postman Pat puzzles. The kids who solve these puzzles, sooner or later become drug addicts.

What could we do?

Just say a prayer and post a selfie of your piety in order to expose their nefarious designs. We need to go back to our roots.

And what are our roots?

‘A boot stamping on a human face.’

That sounds quite recent.

Yes, it is quite recent, but we have changed the names in order to confuse them. Besides, it gives our own people some satisfaction of being a continuity.