A Left alliance

A Left alliance by, Naseer Ahmed

A Left alliance

by, Naseer Ahmed

For years, there has been this talk of an alliance among various strands of leftists especially when we lose an election due to absence of this alliance. Everybody says ‘we actually have got more votes, still we lost’.

And after every lost election we take this line. Perhaps, it is time to resolve our differences and agree on some common agenda.

You know if Pakistani Mullahs could agree to some common agenda in order to win an election, why can’t us the cream of civilization develop some common ground?

Oh my, Lenin disagreed with this cream part with a disgusting ferocity. The intellectuals think they are cream of a society; in fact they are its shit kind of stuff.

He was an intellectual and he lived up to his quote. Perhaps, one of those rare words he really bothered to keep quite eagerly. That is aside, dear, please don’t tell any commie about it or I would be a goner.

To answer this question I, the Joker and rest of us gathered in a cafe to have some common grounds after a decade of wrangling over the best place for a nice and proper sitting. These were the reasons for delay.

The commies wanted some Dhaba ( a tea stall in some poor neighborhood)for this sitting as they did not want to be seen with their class enemies.

The social democrats preferred a kind of dingy government building in order to show their love for boring wisdom and lust for interesting power.

The Third Way people wanted a glassy office in a modern looking building in order to convince their flock that they mean business and money.

The feminists wanted to have it under a specially constructed statue of Sappho of Lesbos with a nearby stable where they could tie all the available men and whip them in order to rectify some historical injustices.

In the end, we manage to have a statue of Sappho of Lesbos but the men ever reluctant to this type of rectification refused to attend such meeting for obvious reasons. Well, you know whipping is quite painful especially when it is not followed by a wonderful intercourse.

The green ones wanted to have a specially constructed orchard where people could frolic with squealing pigs when bored with long winded human speeches.

They also wanted a swath of manure with  high tech facilities. I pointed to them that our speeches would be enough fun and manure but you know nobody listens to me.

I wanted to have this session in Buckingham Palace. Most of them seemed to agree but the commies threatened to boycott. Some commies were quite interested citing the storming opportunities. But my dear, their disrespect to Her Majesty forced me to take my proposal back for health and safety reasons.

There were other minor factions whose preferences were ridiculed just like mine. The angriest ones left immediately but the angry ones decided to stay in order enjoy the pleasures of heckling.

A few others stayed to explore possible spouses, partners and bosses. Another set of the saviors stayed for some inexplicable short term benefits. I think that stuff  is somehow connected to basic instincts.Oh dear, why are you so dumb? I am on about the movies.

You could guess that this task of agreeing about a session venue was quite tough. Almost a decade went by but we could not agree.

Some of us kept writing about the overwhelming necessity of an alliance of us likeminded people.Eventaully , some Central Asian tyrant took pity on us and agreed to finance such a specially constructed venue for our session where all of us could have a bit of our choices or historically determined lines of actions.

As a consequence, we are here, in this wonderful café. There are wonderful paintings on the walls. The word has it that the bloody tyrant had to employ some of the best artists for the purpose.

You know my limited knowledge about this art and craft of painting. Oh my, I could almost hear your chuckle mocking this absolute absence of knowledge in my personality.

Ah dear, do you really think that I don’t have any personality, either. Well dear, you got it wrong; I make same mistakes every time. Anyway, I don’t mind any absence as this nothing stuffs keeps me fit just like any Hare Rama, Hara Krishna sufi mystic.

The difference is that I express my nothingness through eating a lot. After all that Hume guy said somewhere that inattention and careless are actually life savers.

But, obviously I am not blind. Besides, I have to report these important facts to an audacious, presumptuous and stuck up snob like my darling. Therefore, I have to talk about these paintings a bit.

Here, on the café wall, you could see Marx using a leper as a sword to slice the kings and queens of the world while Jesus is searching for the leper in order to heal the poor creature.

I must inform you that the communists insisted on bringing the actual lepers but a mere show of menu helped them to change their minds.

There on the left Mr. Peter Singer is in a defecating position and from his backside emerges a light which reaches to a far planet similar to earth but a lot greener and a lot pleasanter.

Here on the right side, you could see Mr. Blair riding on the phallus of Mr. Gate in order to land in an industrial zone   in the galaxy where they are having a sumptuous dinner.

It is not difficult to recognize Beyonce , Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie and some Bollywood actors. However,   the banner of that party says‘Welcome the Workers the Salt of Earth’.

In the middle, there was a painting of Mr. Attlee giving a speech on the benefits of National Health Services to a yawning crowd.

In the background, there were a few ambulances with bright signs` Morgue Service For Bored To Death’.

I think it is an accurate description. Only Mr. Attlee could turn a subject which attracts the interest of almost everybody into a bleak funereal.

The next picture showed a woman slicing a bleeding Aristotle into two  while he is pleading for mercy. The caption says ‘Revenge for Half Man Comment.

Another picture shows the Lady Liberty riding a horse with a human face. A caption says ‘Marriage in 21st Century’.

Upsy Daisy, there is a picture of poor me. There is an ostrich hiding his face in the sand. Some pugnacious artist has drawn my face on the backside of the ostrich. Is not that a bit cruel?

Well, darling you could have fun at my expense. I am not going to tell you the caption. Must I?

It says’ You Can’t Hide The Facts’.